Radha and I.

Radha and I were best friends, the kind that other girls envied. We laughed for the same silly jokes, we had similar tastes (I would later realize just how similar), we were both toppers in our classes and we could make each other laugh and cry. And we were fiercely protective about each other.

And still I broke her heart. I tore it into little shreds that reflected not a bit of my love for her, my almost painfully intense love for her. I broke her heart fully knowing that she let me do it, knowing that I had the power to do it. And I broke it because I let one weak moment of envy overtake my senses.

And now I see her broken in front of me, still holding on to me for support and I hug her in a guilty attempt to console her, my hug a pale shadow of what it used to be - tight, so close that I could hear her heart beat, so close that I felt I would let nothing come in between us. But I did. I came in between us.

***

I was the prettier one ("Kalpana, some poor guy will fall down hard for those big brown eyes of yours"). She was not what you might consider beautiful, but if you took the time to look, you will notice a delicate, almost vulnerable feeling about her, the kind of feeling that wants you to protect her from all the evil in the world.

But, how can I protect her from me?

Radha always used to say, "Kalpana, you will marry a rich NRI and then what will I do Deekra?" Deekra, Deekra - her honey-like words swirled around me to haunt me at nights, Deekra, like a mother calls her child...

"Radha, enough with this nonsense! I don't want to marry a stupid NRI with a false accent! I want to go to exotic places, I want to do my MBA, I want to fall madly in love with a romantic city and make it my own...I don't want to spend my life, catering to the needs of Mr.NRI!"

She would look shocked. My dear Radha, so naive, so genuine in her feelings, even then I could never give back what she gave me so generously - trust, steadfast and complete.

"Kalpana...", she would begin hesitatingly, "do you think someone will fall in love with me? Maybe if I had been a bit more tall and fair, like you...you have the face of an angel, Kalpana!"

And I would disagree, my eyes are too small, my legs too thin, while I secretly accept the praise that she heaped on me.

"Come on Radha! Who cannot fall in love with you? You are smart, witty and perhaps the best wife that a man could hope for!"

And for the smile that would light up her entire face, what would I not give up? How ironic that I, the sentry guarding this delicate smile on her face, would wipe it all away...until all that remained was a face devoid of the life that had made it sparkle.

***

We stayed at a Girls hostel, Radha was in her final year of B.Sc Physics and I was in my final year of BA, Literature. We would often end up staying late, many nights to complete our assignments or prepare for an exam but would spend most of the time talking. I never tired of our conversations, probably because Radha always let me talk. She listened as a mother would, to her child. Sometimes, she would sing, if I insisted and I would fall asleep, listening to her voice. I always envied her voice, smooth and carefree, passionate and powerful, very unlike her self. Maybe it was her voice that killed our friendship, maybe something so pure and compelling should not have existed at all, if only her voice had been a little more coarse, her sense of melody not so flawless...if only, he hadn't closed his eyes to me, to hear her sing...

He, the he that our lives entwined around, struggling for a hold, until one of us had to let go...and Radha being who she was did let go. What she did not know was that I made her let go.

Anand, the joy of our lives. The joy that we both wanted to capture and hold in our hands, the joy that I snatched from her life?

He studied at a nearby Engineering college. Radha was selected as our college candidate for the intra-college individual singing competition. I stuck along for moral support. Our college bus took us, along with other participants on a rainy Thursday morning. We played anthakshari in the bus, joked about the boys in the Engineering college, shared girly secrets and laughed...perhaps we had laughed too much then, perhaps we cried later to make up for that bus trip.

I saw him first. Tall, lanky, a stubbled chin, a cap worn backwards, a tshirt declaring, "I don't care!", jeans that looked like they had not been washed for years and the most bewitching eyes that a man could have! I hated him for trying to be cool and I turned back to look at him thrice. I stealed a glance at Radha and she seemed lost, silently mouthing the song that she was going to sing, boys nowhere in her thoughts, certainly not this kind.

"Hey Anand, one of the girls is a no-show for the singing competition! Substitute her?"

So Anand must be some events-coordinator guy...

"Hmm...let's wait until evening. What's her name?"

"Radha...Radha Shiv...something"

I felt Radha break out of her reverie. She rushed towards them and said, in a breathless voice, "I am Radha...sorry, we got delayed!"

"No problem babes, the competition isn't until 5", and with a grin the two guys vanished into the crowd. "Babes?" That's so not cool.

And to my surprise, Radha turned to me and said almost shyly, "What was his name? Anand?"

And I wondered why I didn't like the sound of that name in her mouth.

***

A pleasant breeze rustled the leaves in the trees, they seemed to sway lightly to and fro, a flock of birds flew across the sky and even the fluttering of their wings seemed to carry a rhythm, a light rain fell on me and it was as if I noticed all this just in a corner of my mind, a frame that resonated with the pretty picture in front of me, my Radha singing on stage. And even as she sang, I knew she would win, her voice seemed to flow all around us and take us with it...I closed my eyes and heard her sing, no words, just the sound of her voice.

She finished and it was as if a spell had been broken, a pause and then suddenly everyone started clapping at once, I clapped the loudest. I looked around to capture the expressions on the faces around me so that I could tell Radha, I couldn't wait. Until I saw him clapping.

He was standing, clapping with a careless abandon, his eyes focused unwaveringly on Radha and that was when I stopped clapping, that was when I lost the smile on my face. And as I watched, he walked up to the stage and held out his hand to her. I watched, almost holding my breath as she extended a shy hand towards him, I watched him hold her hand with both of his hands and shake it. And before I could react, the light drizzle suddenly turned into a downpour, saving me the need to confront my feelings.

As I was about to leave, Radha caught my eye and waved excitedly. I hesitated for an instant, turned back and left. I caught an auto and came back to the hostel, headed straight to the mess and ate everything that I saw. I walked back alone to my room and started leafing through an old issue of Women's Era.

She came in after an hour or so. I heard her footsteps near the door and wondered what I would tell her.

"You didn't wait for me...you didn't even come with us in the bus..."

"I had a headache and you seemed to be too busy to notice me anyway..." My words sounded false even to me but to my surprise she said, "Deekra, sorry, please don't be angry."

She sat down next to me and leaned against my shoulder.

"Deekra, am so happy, Anand told me he thought I would surely win. He said..."

"Radha, you didn't ask me if I liked it?"

"Kalpana, what's come over you today? I don't have to ask you, I know you liked it, it's one of your favourite songs, remember?"

And then she started humming the song, I closed my eyes and tried to forget what I felt, standing in the rain, and slowly the image dissolved and soon I sang with her too, in a voice high-pitched and a bit too cheerful, as if to make up for what happened earlier.

***

Things moved pretty fast after that day. The more Radha talked about Anand, the more she described his bold antics and exciting talk ("An adventure, Radha, marry me and I promise you a roller-coaster ride for life!"), the more she confided her own feelings for him, the more distant I felt from her. I wished I could scream at her and make her stop. But, I did not. I heard every single word she said about Anand and at night, wondered if maybe a quirk of fate had delivered Anand to her instead of me. What if I had talked to him first? How could he fall in love with Radha then? Radha, who was shorter and fatter than me, who...and I suddenly stopped, wondering when I stopped being her friend.

But, that's not true. I still loved her. I still felt a gnawing, rise from the pit of my chest, when I saw her hurt or sad, a feeling that overwhelmed me and scared me for what she could make me feel. And then I wondered, did she feel the same about me? If she did, how could she not see in my eyes, what I felt for him? How could she be so selfish?

A few weeks later, we both sat on the small verandah. I read a novel and she just sat there and smiled at everything. I had an uneasy feeling.

"Kalpana, do you want to come out with Anand and me? I mean, if he is the one - I don't know if he wants to marry me - but if he is, I want you two to get to know each other. I want to know what you think of him, Kalpana."

I wanted to say no, for all the right reasons but instead I said in a light voice, "Sure, why not? He can't be that bad after all..."

"He said his friend, do you remember him from the other day at the competition? wants to ask you out and maybe all four of us could go out for coffee..."

I vaguely remembered a guy talking to Anand that day but I wasn't interested in that guy. I wanted to talk to Anand and what was wrong with that? She wants me to get to know him better...I should, maybe once I talk to him some more, I wouldn't feel jealous anymore, maybe I would like him much less...

"Kalpana...?", she placed a hand on my arm, "Is something wrong? You don't like Anand?", she was studying my face carefully and I wondered if she had read my mind once again.

"I don't know Radha, I'll come because you asked me to but I can't promise to like him."

And I had become a liar too. Jealousy, envy and now lies had made their way slowly into our lives, all because of a stranger! I gripped her hand and said, "Don't worry Radha, I will like him..."

And silently, I told myself - only a little, not so much that it hurts.

***

His friend, Jagan called me and politely asked me out and I said yes. He seemed to be a nice guy but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to be interested in what he said.

That evening, I dressed with care. A bright blue salwar kameez ("It's made for you, Kalpana!"), long earrings that dazzled when they caught the light, bangles (I can't remember when I wore them last) and my long hair left loose.

"Do you think I should wear a saree? No? Too old-fashioned?", Radha asked as she rummaged through our cupboard, she picked a saree and a salwar kameez and held it out to me, when she saw me, her mouth dropped.

"Why Kalpana? You look stunning! Jagan is a goner today!" and I laughed along with her, wondering if I had indeed dressed so carefully for someone that I had spoken ten minutes to. Why not? I had only seen Anand once, how could I be dressing up for him? I shook my head, as if to shake my silly thoughts away.

I noticed that Radha had picked a plain looking salwar kameez for herself, her haid tied neatly in a pony tail, as if she had decided not to compete. With me. Did she know?

And even before I could push it away, a voice spoke in my head, "How can he fall for her when you are with her?"

We caught an auto to the Coffee shop and waited nervously outside, both of us lost in our thoughts. Radha had been silent through out the ride but I was too involved in my worries to ask why.

"Radha!", he waved as he parked the bike. Jagan let out a low whistle when he saw me and I hoped he had heard that.

We walked inside and sat down at a booth, Anand and Radha facing Jagan and me.

"So, Kalpana", I looked up almost immediately, the first time he said my name and my heart was beating so fast, I was scared he would hear it, "Radha tells me you are her best friend and I have no hope of capturing her heart unless you give the go ahead?"

"Radha says the silliest things, Anand. So, shall we order?"

And every time Anand started a conversation with "Radha", I ended up saying something mean, subtle but stinging. Radha was strangely silent throughout.

Even as we ate, I couldn't stop thinking of him, I hated the way his hands lightly rested on her shoulders, I hated the way he whispered to her, asking her if she liked her food, I hated him and I hated Radha.

After our awkward dinner, we broke up in pairs, Anand with Radha and Jagan stuck with me. We stood just enough apart to not be able to hear what we said.

"Kalpana, do you know Anand from before?"

"Uh...no, I saw him at the music competition..."

I could hardly concentrate on our conversation. I kept stealing a glance at Anand and Radha. He sat casually on his bike and held her hand. What did he see in her?

"Kalpana?"

"Oh sorry, you were saying?"

"I am saying, it's not worth your friendship. Don't do it.", and without explanation, he walked towards Anand and said, "Hey, it's getting late, why don't you two love-birds find another time to talk?"

Radha blushed and looked away. Anand grinned. I felt angry and disappointed. We were saying goodbye and he had hardly spoken a sentence to me the whole time.

That night, after we lay down in our beds, I heard Radha's voice in the darkness, "Kalpana, do you like him?"

I pretended to sleep.

"I think he will propose to me...should I say yes?"

"No!" and my head screamed no even as I said it.

She sat up on her bed, "Kalpana, what did you say? Did you say no? Kalpana, look at me!"

And then I spoke the words that I would repent for, for a long time to come, "He hit on me today...I don't like him."

"Kalpana...what are you saying? When? I was with him the whole time!"

"Don't you believe me? Now, he is more important than me?", I was shouting now.

"When...Kalpana, please tell me..."

"When...when you had gone to the ladies room, Jagan left to make a call and Anand asked me out next week..."

"No...no deekra, enough...don't do this..."

I didn't understand what she said. I was too busy crying inside. Why? Why did I do that? I don't know. I am not even sure if I wanted Anand or I just wanted him to not be with Radha, to not see her so completely happy.

Radha said nothing. She didn't even cry that night. The tears would come later. She didn't ask me any more questions and I didn't have the strength to answer them anyway. I was too busy destroying our lives.

***

That was a month ago. A month filled with unhappy nights, Radha cried silently sometimes, sometimes with me. I cried for what I had told her and for what I could not. Now that Anand was no longer in our lives, I began to hover around Radha with a kind of fierce devotion that only guilt can bring. I took care of her, wiped her tears and even sang to her when she couldn't.

Anand called her many times. He even tried to reach me and we both turned away from him. We held on to ourselves and consoled each other for what she had lost and for what I made her lose. But we were once again best friends, bound together by something stronger than before.

***

"And then, what happened? How come I have never met Radha aunty?"

"And then, I don't know, we moved on with our lives. I came to the US to do my MBA, met your daddy and married him. Radha stayed back in Bombay, I don't know whom she married, if she even married...and I don't know why I am telling you all this, Sanju."

Sanjana, my thirteen year old daughter, she shares this quality with her dad - to make me tell her exactly what she wants to know about me, I can't hide anything from her, or her dad. I had told him about Anand and Radha within a few weeks of getting to know him.

"And today, Radha aunty is coming..."

"Are you going to tell her you are sorry, ma?"

"Yes...and many more things that I didn't tell her so many years back..."

We are both silent, when Sunil walks in, "Shouldn't you girls be getting ready for your special visitor? What's all this talking business?"

We both grin and get up to get ready.

The door bell rings at 6.30 PM sharp, always on time, just like before.

I open the door and the years dissolve between us, I don't know how long I stand at the door hugging her or how long the tears continue to fall down my cheeks.

"Deekra, I can't tell you how much I missed you..."

We talk for hours, sharing old stories, catching up on our lives, my MBA, when Radha came to the US, she is happy being a house wife, she doesn't talk much about her husband, I talk continuously, just like old times, about Sunil, about Sanju and me.

And finally, it's time to leave and Radha hesitates at the door, "He is coming to pick me up, he should be here any minute. Kalpana, can I talk to you alone for a second?"

Sanju who has been watching us with her hands on her cheeks, lying stomach down on the floor - her favorite story-time pose, gets up and says, "Yeah, yeah, you girls catch on! I am sleepy anyway...good night aunty, good night ma!"

Radha turns to me and says, "Kalpana, I know. I knew all along. Don't apologize."

How did she know I was going to say sorry? How much more did she know?

She holds my hand and says, "Remember the day we all met at the coffee shop? I understood then and I understand now. That's why I had told Anand that it wouldn't work out. I saw how you looked at him, I saw everything...and I couldn't afford to lose you...I never want to lose you, Deekra."

I stand speechless, still holding on to her hand.

"But no harm done, we are both happy now...aren't we?"

And I hug her once more, like old times, tightly. And when she gets into the car to leave, I try not to notice his face too closely, I try not to think of thoughts that had almost faded, I try not to draw an image of the face that I had fought to forget. And a few seconds later, I recover and walk back in, my past did catch up with my present, but at least now it has completed a circle. I had revisited the past, held on to it for a few seconds and had let go. I notice Sunil and Sanju laughing and throwing pillows at one another. I close the door of my past and walk towards my future. I join in and throw a pillow at them laughing.