A house, an NRI and all that jazz.

"Satish has recently bought a town house, his mother tells me...did he tell you?"

In spite of the intermittent static and bad connection, the implication of the seemingly innocent question was clear. I sighed, the weary, futile sigh of a middle-aged NRI forced to do things quite outside his capacity, like buying a boat, for instance, oh alright, it's a house...apples, oranges, whatever.

"Ma, I am not planning to buy a house anytime soon! Not until Kalpana goes back to work and she cannot until Kapil becomes more manageable..."

As if on cue, our two year old starts to bawl loudly. Kalpana makes half-hearted attempts to pacify him. She asks loudly - I am not sure if that is for my benefit for the benefit of the curious ears listening on the phone - "I think it's about time we settle down too, Sheku..."

Disgusting abbreviation, Sheku, really, does she do that just to get me to agree to her demands? Shekar, such a respectable name, has a ring to it. As I revel in my onymous glory,

"What is that? Is that Kalpana? What is she saying?"

I am definitely in no mood for this game. I use the faithful NRI long-distance-call tactic - "Ma, I can't hear you clearly, I will talk to you later!"

***
The stage: Friend's place with the requisite number of people, a pre-planned and deviously schemed get-together, I am sure!

The protagonist: Our friendly pot-bellied, obnoxious "friend", Dr.Sahi.

The Director: My very own better half (hah!), my very own Brutus, Kalpana-the-plot-planner.

Dr.Sahi moves his considerable bulk towards my direction with a champagne glass in his hand, an unpleasant grin extending all the way from one cavity-filled set of molars to another. "What, Shekar?"

Really, what kind of a self-respecting, decent man begins a converation with "What, Shekar?" How is one supposed to respond to this anyway?

I avert my eyes from his rather large yellowish teeth, and try to look non-chalant, "How do you do, Dr.Sahi?" I decide to play it real safe. "Tough weather out there, isn't it?" and fall headlong into the trap.

"Yes, yes, indeed..." - like a tiger with bad teeth pouncing on an innocent over-worked lamb - "Those apartments you live in, they seem so fragile, one tornado and the construction will just crumble" He makes little annoying gestures with his fingers to show me how they will crumble. I have a bad feeling where this conversation is leading me to and I try desperately to steer clear...

"Oh, Shhhekhar Bhai", an equally imposing figure makes its way towards me. I squint to get a better glance at kalpana, talking animatedly to another guest at the end of the hall, trying to discern an evil-Kalpana lurking behind her innocent, almost angelic visage. She catches my eye for a moment and I see an almost malicious grin mask her face. I have got to stop watching Sci-Fi movies.

I turn towards the second opponent that my wife has strategically sent to impose her far-fetched, crazy ideas on me. I will stand as a rock, steady in my decision.

"Hello Mrs.Sahi, nice to run into you here..."

"Indeed, Shhhekar Bhai, Kalpana tells me you are planning to buy a small house nearby? Sahi he, aapne bataya hi nahi? Shmart decision hah..."

I look for a nice little spot where I can start digging a hole and then disappear in it away from the Sahis of the world.

"Mrs.Sahi, we were just casually discussing it and of course, we are not planning to buy a house anytime soon..."

***
Striped, three-piece suit, yellow tie with small black dots on it, gold-framed spectacles, with an unusually long wire hanging from the supports on either ear, branded I am sure, the kind that will tint a questionable shade of brownish-black as soon as the sun hits the eyes. A black leather carry bag and a sheaf of papers. Seriously, did they make real estate agents like these any more?

We, or rather Kalpana, laid out a clear set of requirements for Keith Barone, our buyers agent.

"A ranch style house, yes...our parents may come to stay, you know? High ceiling? Well, I am more particular about the school district the house is in..., 2 bedroom and 2 baths, yes, I think that will help with the resale value also."

I stood looking at the creature that had taken over my demure, unsophisticated, naive Kalpana. I also noticed that I had been subtly excluded from the conversation between my wife and our agent. I decided to put my foot down.

"Ahem...the budget?" They both laughed. I had a good mind to relieve Mr.Barone off his three-piece suit and invite him for a one-on-one.

"Really, Mr.Khanna, you are one funny man...", the three-piece-suit (TPS) said, laughing.

***
A tiny but perfectly manicured front lawn with a pleasant landscape. A loud FSBO sign stood in the center of the lawn. TPS confidently led the way into the house. The house was perfectly maintained - the carpet, the walls, the kitchen floor flawless. A waft of vanilla mixed chocolate added to my troubles. Kalpana was already grinning like a woman possessed. I casually picked up the info sheet from the kitchen counter.

Perfect home, silent neighbourhood, good school...bla..bla...
- followed by the numbers that will haunt me till today - $195000!!!

I made up my mind and decided to use my imagination to extricate me from this sticky situation, after all, I am a writer! I walked slowly towards the decently sized, what-was-once-an-office-room.

Kalpana's eagle eyes caught my movement and she pounced immediately, "Sheku, isn't this room lovely, this can be your quite office area and you can write nice little novels in here and earn a lot of money..."

This time, I was not unprepared. "Well, I assumed this would be the game room, you know, the guys can come over and we can hang out every Friday night! Have never been able to do that in our apartment...now even weekends, I can picture it right now..."

I must say I did act that out pretty well. I held up both arms, palm facing outwards, a director's pose, and said, in a slightly high-pitched voice,

"I see it now, Shankar, Prakash, Sujan and the rest of the gang, around the poker table, beer and cigarettes and gambling all night long! I can't wait!"

***
According to me, the first house-searching stint was a success! I had hardly finished revelling in my first mentionable triumph, when TPS called the next morning; as was the norm, Kalpana and TPS decided when and where to meet and details about the next house we were going to see. My writer-brain almost complacent after its first victory, woke up again.

Yet another picture-perfect house. I walked in with some trepidation, my wallet already seemed lighter.

"Mr.Barone, we were expecting you and you must be Kalpana...", something about the lilting voice made me look up. Our seller, a young American lady, Nancy, had a personality that did complete justice to her voice - charming! I was almost tempted to ask her more about the house, just as an excuse to talk to her...

"$201000, that's correct, the house is just 2 years old and we added a sun room right here..."

Now completely awake and far away from my sudden misplaced inclination, I proceeded to show some interest in the house and it's seller. Fifteen minutes, cups of tea later, I was still deep in conversation with Nancy, when Kalpana cleared her throat for the second time. I had successfully ignored her initial curious glances, then more pointed attempts to join our conversation. She finally resorted to pouting in a corner.

"I am sorry to hear that you are separated, it must be difficult for you to manage your work and the house and all...", I tutted sympathetically and this time, Kalpana tapped me on the shoulder, not so lightly.

"Shouldn't we be leaving now Shekar? Anyway the price range is probably a bit too high for us, isn't it? Thanks for your time and it was nice meeting you, Nancy."

Kalpana linked her hands in mine and gently nudged me towards the door. Me? I was just glad I was not the recipient of the frosty glare that she presented to Nancy. I whistled an old song as we headed back home.

***
Let me save you the trouble of reading through more such accounts. Just suffice to say, I left it all to Kalpana to decide, helping the process a bit, here and there. A few weeks passed, TPS sulked and left our house for good, Kalpana told me that a house could always wait - "We have each other and Kapil, don't we, let's take it slowly" and I was back to being a happy writer.

That night when the India call came, I heard Kalpana talking to my mom, "Ma, we looked at four or five houses, yes, not good at all, they say this is not the season to buy houses, maybe next year..."

Well...atleast I have until next year!

***