"You know how it is with some relationships? Passionate, unrelenting, crazy at first and before you know it, you are drifting along comfortable in a languorous way and soon enough, you hardly remember how it used to be. Once in a while, you are reminded of sparks that once existed, chemistry that was once evident...and you catch yourself wondering when the change sneaked upon you and when you stopped...feeling. I, I...feel frustrated and guilty."
A torrent of words. All too familiar emotions. She touched the corner of her eyes with a tissue. Her delicate face and outwardly shy demeanor seemed a contrast to the feelings that she revealed now. I glanced at the clock and almost impulsively deviated from the original counsel that I had planned for her.
"Shaheen, I understand. You should not feel guilty about this. It's a natural feeling, marriage is not a cake walk and the more expectations we hold, sometimes, the harder we fall...we have all gone through this cycle..."
That night, my past loomed in front of me and for once, I did not push it away. I wanted to relive my past. Catharsis can be disturbing but is often therapeutic. I smiled wryly - who would know better than a shrink?
Karthik was not particularly attractive - average height, average physique, average looks - and three years back, I wouldn't have cared less. His best feature was probably his eyes - intelligent, expressive, large brown eyes. There were moments in our courtship when I felt, with all the intensity that girlish romanticism sometimes musters, that I could read volumes in his eyes, stories that would fascinate me, draw me closer in a way I had not imagined was possible. So, when did I start noticing that half the hall was filled with men who were better dressed and better looking than my husband? When did his occasional nervous ticks - the way he touched his right ear before speaking to a stranger, the way he stammered in the middle of a conversation - little things that were earlier categorized as delightfully quirky ease themselves into the category of mildly irritating and then annoying?
"Do you have to wear that same stupid shirt again to the party? Shankari and her husband will be there...and you know how critical they can be? If not for them, atleast for your sake, can't you dress sensibly for a change?"
His slow movements and lack of response, the same placid attitude, the lack of anything out of the way, infuriated me and I did not understand it. I had once loved this man and I desperately wanted to love him even now. Sometimes, I imagined that he flirted with other women at his work or did something, anything at all that would justify my increasingly angry outbursts and acerbic words...
"I slept better last night. Somehow, I did not feel so suffocated. But, I did lose my temper again yesterday...you know what infuriates me Doctor? He just does not react. For once, I want him to be angry, to cry, to lose his head, to wipe that stupid, half-smile off his face...he comes home at 6.15 every evening, reads the newspaper for 23 minutes - I clocked him yesterday - even his coffee brand has not change for the past 5 years..."
She was screaming now. I had a headache, or was it a heartache? I looked at the small woman in front of me, struggling with her life, and I saw shades of myself in her. Shades of a past life, a life as different from my life now as can be, yet why does every story sound like mine? I just need a vacation. I need to go to some place where he won't be there to remind me of my restlessness and immaturity, where guilt won't shroud me, where I don't need to understand why I ran away from love...
"The bir...birthday boy is home!"
He seemed happy. I cursed - this was going to make it all harder on me. I took a deep breath and said what was to be said.
"I am leaving you, Karthik. Unlike you, I have a life to live."
Flawlessly delivered, just as I had practised it, no tears, no sentimental overdose. This time, I had made up my mind, I would leave and not feel compelled to drag myself along with him in this meaningless existence. If he did love me, why did he not notice that I suffered? Everyday, he talked about his work, his day...did he once ask me how my day was?
He looked crestfallen and for the last time that I saw him, he still had no words to say. I walked out. I laughed as I walked out, a laughter of relief, of freedom, a laughter full of life and irony. July 25th, his 30th birthday, and now a date that will also mark the day I walked out of his life. I am not sure why I cried.
I looked at the clock with a sense of apprehension. Her final session. I prayed that she would walk in with a smile. She did, and a box of sweets.
"I can't thank you enough, Doctor. Yesterday, we talked through the night and he surprised me! He booked a two week vacation for us...he calls it a make-up honeymoon!"
She smiled shyly. Her eyes shone. I smiled.
"He said he wanted to thank you. I told him what all you told me, he said you reminded him of someone. He was wondering if we can meet for lunch today?"
I was temped to say yes but hey, three out of five patients invite me to lunch and it just wouldn't be right for me to say yes.
She looked a bit disappointed but brightened up immediately and said, "You will have to come to attend a birthday party though, a surprise birthday party that I have planned for him...it falls on July 25th! OK?"
I looked up and asked in a tone, as neutral as I could make it sound, "Your husband...what did you say his name was? I might have forgotten, so many names, you know?" I was rambling now.
"Karthik. He is the sweetest guy, you must meet him, Doctor...and poor thing has had his share of bad luck...I have told you...no?", she leaned, conspiratorially towards me and whispered,
"His first wife ran away...maybe she needed to take advice from you Doctor, anyway, her loss, my gain." She giggled and walked out.
15 comments:
once bitten twice shy.
Bus, Hmm...whose perspective? Naan bulb adikaren - my turn to say, explain :)
aha!!! your comment reminds me of the scene from National Treasure where Cage's sidekick guesses the funda of the clocks instead of Cage and says
"hmm...is this how you feel all the time...gimme a minute to enjoy this!!!"
ok back to the www ( web we weave ) :-)
it is from Karthik's perspective... i think the reason he reacted was becoz he did not want to lose her too...
but what I ask myself and u is : Is this reaction of his going to be shortlived? Is he doing this to momentarily escape the situation or is he a new man!!!
Hey Bus,
There are no hidden meanings in this story :) Don't think 2 much
To Bus: I remember that scene, that guy was my favourite in the movie :)) Sema analogy po!
Re: the www (I think you would be good at balderdash :)), the story is written from the Doctor's perceptive, not the man's. The tangled web = what she made of her life...about his perspective, maybe, he decided it was time he changed...since he had already lost one woman he loved.
ennamo, indha story arambichadhum theriyalai, mudinchadhum puriyalai...unga comments suthama puriyalai.
for RS's sake, i will read again. but only once.
RS, one more request as a neyar viruppam. can u republish (or come up with something like) that cook Gurumurthy episode?
Super ! Why did you sound not so happy about this story ? It was wonderful !
"I need to go to some place where he won't be there to remind me of my restlessness and immaturity"
Idhu slightly confusing. If she's a doctor, she'd have seen so many different cases and cases that include ones that will keep reminding her of her immaturity. Don't you think she'd be used to it by now ?
And
"Do you have to wear that same stupid shirt again to the party? Shankari and her husband will be there...and you know how critical they can be?"
This sentence keeps reminding me of "K, this is just a game :)"
To P~K: Second time readingla purunjuda? The story is actually kinda cliched. The doctor runs away from him and her patient is his new wife - avolodaan :)
To Dinesh: yet why does every story sound like mine?
She is still not used to it probably because she still feels guilty or (and) she is still in love but took an impulsive decision just because she expected to feel something and she did not feel that? Aana you are right - confusing.
And
Why? I don't nag like that :(
Wow super story...I tried to guess the ending but failed miserably...as they say the writer holds all the cards...:).
Reading it again, just for fun (and to clear up some parts that I didn't get the first time...)
KP.
KP, Thanks :)
Oh my goodness! Damn good stuff.
its like a puzzle when suddenly everything falls in place.
but indha alternate narrative - one the docs past life and then the new wife's polambal is kinda confusing.
I understood once i got that.
To P~K: Thanks :) Will try to come up with something lighthearted soon, meanwhile here is a link to the Cook episodes - Of cabbages, kings and cooks!
solla marandhutten.
husband character name karthik. nalaiku kalyanam ana en wife um ennai ipdi dhaan thittuvanu nenikiren.:-) i have all this karthik's great qualities...
Hmm. I guessed the ending before. You know how? When the patient was screaming that her hubby doesn't react at all, I thought(before reading the next line) that it was the doc herself! So I kind of knew the end...:(
To P~K- :)
To Subha: I didnt think the husband was there for the sessions...other than that, yup, cliched but not cliched enough to be unrealistic, I hope :)
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